Melbourne Eyes

I Popped My Cherry

2009-06-15T21:46:00.000+10:00

I never thought my first time in actual, hard-copy print would be in the mX.

See below for my now not-so-secret shame.

They printed my rant. That'll learn me.

The End Is Nigh...

2009-06-09T21:02:00.003+10:00

Today I sent a text message to mX magazine complaining about one of the articles.

What's next? Letters to the small paper written on a typewriter?

Might as well tune 3aw into the car stereo.

I See The Light

2009-06-06T21:02:00.003+10:00

Surely this defeats the purpose of this?

I'm not going all ba humbug, I just don't geddit.

Walk This Way

2009-05-28T07:27:00.002+10:00

There are two types of people in this world - those that walk down the street and move for no one, and those that spend all day walking around others.

Which will you be today?

Corner Pocket

2009-05-18T21:31:00.001+10:00

I love nights that look like this. Please don't close The Tote.

That Old Chestnut

2009-05-11T20:21:00.004+10:00

The Haviana Blow-Out - there really is nothing worse.

What are the chances you'll bust the opposite one on the next pair? And even if you do, you'll never wear them in at the same rate. Instead you'll limp from the right rubber sole to the left, never quite in sync.

Thank goodness this poor bugger lost his in Autumn. It's easier to deal with in the cold weather, a good six months before he'll need to fork out for a new pair.

Keep Yourselves Nice

2009-05-06T15:31:00.003+10:00

I've been flashed twice today.
And not by my own knickers.
It was by two separate women.
I'm fairly sure it wasn't intentional, but that doesn't really make it OK.

Ladies of Melbourne I implore you, please keep your hems at a socially acceptable level. At the very least put some opaque tights on in this weather, you'll catch your death of cold.

Secret Squirrel

2009-04-28T23:15:00.002+10:00

Dear Channel 9,

I think we can all guess whose face it is that you've pixellated.

Warm Regards

All of Melbourne

Lest We Forget

2009-04-26T16:41:00.002+10:00

Nothing screams Melbourne more than a pot, a parma and watching the footy on ANZAC Day.

Nothing screams coward more than a man beating on a woman, like the arsehole outside The Rose Hotel yesterday. You'll get yours mate.

The Writing's On Your Arm

2009-04-22T15:53:00.005+10:00

I'm not sure what kind of ink the door bitches of Melbourne use, but man, that shit just does not come off.

It's Wednesday and I still have the remnants of the weekend on my arm. It's not that I don't know how to wash either. I am super hygienic. I've used a face-washer, and one of those shower puff things to scrub and scrub, and still I am stained.

I was hoping to leave last weekend on the dance floor at Pony where it belonged, not carry its fading shadow around all week.

Support The Underdog

2009-04-17T14:11:00.003+10:00

This weekend, when you are out buying music, make sure it's at one of these shops.

Indie record stores around the world are closing at a rapid rate and it's important that we keep ours alive and kicking. Don't get confused by the "other" music store event this weekend. Stick with one on this list and you've done your good deed for the day.

Viva rock'n'roll!

Go Ahead Make My Day

2009-04-15T14:15:00.000+10:00

A big thank-you to the golden soul who chalks on Dickens's Street in Elwood.

Bless your cotton socks, you really made my Tuesday.

Half A Key

2009-04-09T09:44:00.001+10:00

Dan Auerbach was having breakfast at Degraves this morning.

Ta-daaaar!

Oxymoron

2009-04-05T13:25:00.000+10:00

I am a firm believer that the words "fun" and "run", should never be uttered in the same sentence.

To those of you indulging in that ludicrous pursuit in Melbourne today, spare a thought for those of us who had the good grace to be hungover on a Sunday. I spent 2.5 hours in my car doing a 14km round trip at your expense and still didn't manage to get where I wanted to go. (The Vic Market for a restorative jam donut and do my shopping - FYI.)

Stay in the gym where you belong and just donate your money online.

April Fool

2009-04-01T15:05:00.001+11:00

It really is 27 degrees outside. This ain't no joke, this is climate change. More fool us.

Stop Or I'll Youtube

2009-03-15T23:19:00.000+11:00

When seeing a police armed response unit with guns drawn behind the Corner Hotel yesterday, my instant reaction was to bugger off. Unlike some people who preferred to stand on the corner and film it in on their mobiles.

Rubbernecking, bullet dodging - same, same.

I Feel The Earth Move - not

2009-03-07T12:36:00.000+11:00

I was out last night enjoying dinner at Anada, in the company of some of my favourite cackling harpies. We were having such a divine evening of good food, wine and conversation that we completely didn't notice the earthquake.

I can be pretty self-absorbed at times (I like to call it "in the moment"), but this takes it to a whole new level.

Kultural Fusion

2009-02-26T17:46:00.000+11:00

A Japanese tourist, playing a didgeridoo, on the streets of Melbourne.

Of course.

Hell On Earth

2009-02-13T18:16:00.001+11:00

The smell of smoke in the city today, brings with it so much sadness. I ache for those who lost loved ones in these awful fires. And homes. And pets. And too many other things to name.

This week, Melbourne has become a city where men cry on public transport, at what they read in the newspaper. Where everyone has constantly given money, food, clothes and support for those who need it.
No one is beeping car horns to express their impatience. There is no shoving to get on trains.

It is a city in shock and mourning. But better for it in the long run I believe. This tragedy has brought out the stunning goodness in Melbourne's people.

Love and luck to you all.

Roll Up Roll Up

2009-02-04T19:58:00.001+11:00

To the kook at the corner of Swanston and Collins Streets at approximately 6.20pm, I think that riding a unicycle to and from work is just plain showing off.

If you are indeed in the circus you should leave your work behind at the end of the day. It's all about balance.

Balance! Geddit?

Save Ferris, Save Ferris Wheel

2009-02-03T13:20:00.000+11:00

Can you BELIEVE that The Southern Star Wheel is closed already? It's only been open a month and due to last week's excessive heat it's broken.

That was $100 million well spent. Didn't anyone think to do a tiny bit of research about the affect of heat on the building materials?

Even London managed to get this right.

Cool Hand Cops

2008-12-23T18:38:00.000+11:00

Trained men with firearms Versus 15 year old boy with knives.

You do the math...

Victoria Police hang your heads in shame.

How does this possibly happen?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

2008-12-01T21:18:00.000+11:00

I've walked past the same couple two nights in a row after work.
Both times they've been arguing. Well, he's been yelling at her and she's had the same defeated look on her face, with a touch of terror in her eyes. I am comfortable in making the assumption that this is a pattern.

Get out now girl.

If someone makes you frightened they're no good for you. You're better than that, no matter what he tells you.

Holy Smoke

2008-11-27T17:54:00.000+11:00

You can smoke cones on the steps of St Paul's Cathedral in broad daylight.

6.27 in the pm to be exact.

God doesn't care and neither do The Filth apparently.

Rock on.

Melbourne Knievel

2008-11-24T21:04:00.001+11:00

To the motorcyclist that mounted the pavement on the corner of Little Collins and Swanston Street tonight, and proceeded to coast down the pavement so he could do a right hand turn into Collins Street - what were you thinking?

That you'd get away with it?

Cause you did.

Well done you!

This kind of reckless behaviour on the streets of our fair city would normally make my blood boil, but I was left impressed by this guys sheer gumption.

Don't do again but, OK? Someone might get hurt.

All I Want for Christmas

2008-11-15T15:53:00.000+11:00

Dear John So,

Christmas is in December and is to do with Jesus. I'm not too fussed about the Jesus part but can you please not close down the CBD in mid-November to start celebrating this festival of consumerism?

You could at least do the decent thing and wait til December 1st.

While you're at it, for Christmas I would like Swanston Street to be closed to everything but trams and pushbikes. If you sort this, I'll forgive you about the November bit OK?

Yours In Anticipation
Melbourne Eyes

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like...

2008-11-13T21:29:00.000+11:00

Only in Melbourne could you walk into a launch party where there is a naked male stripper "dancing" on a table, a midget in a cowboy hat on the bar, AND the drinks are free.

I love this town.

Takes One To Know One

2008-11-06T21:47:00.000+11:00

From my vantage point in the park yesterday I could see people in the drug rehab centre having a group therapy session. They were laughing, they looked happy, even though they seemed a little wrung out.
It was sunny in their room and it gave off the feeling of safety.

Perhaps therapy should be called something else and then maybe more people would do it. Before things got so bad they needed to do it in sunny rooms in rehab centres. Safety in numbers I guess.

Holy Connex Batman

2008-11-01T16:47:00.000+11:00

Riddle me this ticket inspectors?

Why do you fine children wearing school uniforms at Flinders Street station yet let adults get away without buying tickets? Clearly they are studying, hence the uniform. Forgetful maybe, breaking the law by not having their concession card? I think not.

The man I saw jump the barrier this week right in front of you was not pursued.

The pack of women passing one ticket back and forth to let 4 of them through did not seem to warrant your attention.

Pick on someone your own size and punish those that deserve it.

Fringe Dweller

2008-10-29T20:37:00.000+11:00

Windy days in Melbourne: My haircut's worst enemy.

Go For Your Life

2008-10-12T21:49:00.000+11:00

I think any city-type marathon, a-la today's Melbourne Marathon needs to be over by 9am. Blocking Melbourne's roads for the better part of the day making driving around the city a nightmare is not in the community spirit. Sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on a Sunday is not my idea of a day off.

If you want to run a ludicrous amount of kilometres for no other reason than to say you have done it, then you must be the kind of lunatic that won't mind getting up at stupid o'clock to get your achievement out of the way before the rest of us want to use the city.

Wise Words

2008-10-10T15:59:00.000+11:00

A fairly sketchy looking, junky-type guy gave me his 2 hour ticket at Richmond station last Thursday night, so that I wouldn't have to buy one. I offered him $2 but he refused, smiled and simply said "This is how this town should be".

He's right.

Had he asked me for $2 in any other situation I would have said no, assuming it was to buy to drugs. This cynical and judgemental attitude shames me, I often forget how lucky I am and that those less fortunate did not ask to be there.

Thank-you fella for being generous and making me take stock. And for the train ticket of course.

Road Rage

2008-07-17T20:23:00.000+10:00

On Church Street last Friday, I witnessed, in my rear-view mirror, a cyclist smash the side mirror of a motorist stopped at a red light. This woman took the thing to pieces. The motorist beeped his horn and she gave him the finger and kept going.
When the light changed and the traffic took off the motorist caught up to the cyclist and tried to run her over.

Melbournians - when did we turn into people like this?

Pilgrim-tastic

2008-07-16T16:21:00.000+10:00

Not sure if you pilgrims know, but the pope is actually in Sydney. You've come about 800kms too far.

Also, what is with you guys and acoustic guitars? Please stop singing in our streets, we like to drink our coffee in peace. Peace and QUIET that is, not your peace-be-with-you kind of peace.

Star Spotting

2008-07-13T19:48:00.001+10:00

In the last twenty-four hours, just going about my business, I have seen* -
Doc Neeson from the The Angels, Mark Trevorrow aka Bob Downe and Ray from the Hard Ons -
just going about theirs.

*In order of appearance, not celeb status.

Gutless Wonder

2008-07-08T20:40:00.000+10:00

I left work late tonight and was walking down beside Balaclava station when some prick scared the shit out of me. I couldn't see him because the coward was hiding, somewhere in the dark, saying nasty things to me in an even nastier voice.
I ran home. I even called the cops.

I feel like a fool and I hate this stranger for doing that to me. I feel scared too now I think, but I'm not ready to go to that part of my brain.

Be careful out there.

Absolutely A Bullshit Artist

2008-07-06T18:22:00.000+10:00

This morning I got stuck watching Video Hits because I was too hungover to reach the remote from my prone position on the couch. Vanessa Amorosi was being interviewed beside a horse - as you do. She was being asked about her tattoos and was rabbiting on about "the spiritual 10 commandments" or some such bullocks - I couldn't concentrate on her drivel AND trying to telepathically get a Huey Lewis video on next. What did pique my curiosity and then my outrage was when she said that her tattoos were done by some spiritualist shaman-type person in the States. They were NOT, my mate Macca did them out at Way Cool in Dandenong.

Vanessa Amorosi is a liar - there, I've said it.

I'm back

2008-07-04T21:33:00.000+10:00

It's been a long time between drinks dear non-readers, but I've got new means and nothing's gonna stop me now - giddy up!

To the gorgeous soul that has glued those giant letters on the side of the train line at Flinders Street I thank you. If you're coming in from Richmond, just before you enter the station, look to your right. I'm gutted one of the letters fell off before I took my camera to work.
Are you the same person that made the leaping figure out of milk crates on the other side?

Chivalry Is Alive & Kicking

2008-03-21T09:43:00.001+11:00

Yes ladies, chivalry does exist in Melbourne. Albeit not an from an Aussie but I'll take what I can get.

Thanks to the lovely Brit who helped me put my big bike in my tiny car yesterday.

Sometimes fellas 5 foot tall (short) woman need help in lifting heavy things. We won't think your being macho, we'll be glad of the assistance.

Container-dropper

2008-03-10T10:53:00.000+11:00

A couple of things overheard recently whilst waiting to be served at Section 8 (different days mind you):

"Yeah there's this place called Cherry Bar, it's kind of, you know, a "drug" bar but on Thursdays they play soul".
Well Bill, that's what the kids think of your joint these days.

"And now she thinks she's a lesbian" rolls eyes.
With friends like her, I'd be keeping it all to myself.

You Dropped Your Manners

2008-01-30T18:11:00.000+11:00

To the guy who was given his wallet back by a lovely, out-of-breath young lady who had run a fair amount of Collins Street to complete her good deed for the day, it would have been manners to GET OFF YOUR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE AND SAY A PROPER THANK-YOU.

I hope you took the cash out first girl.

Random Question...

2008-01-28T14:22:00.000+11:00

Last weekend whilst exiting the BP on Carlisle Street, a guy in van coming into the servo stopped me, and it went like this...

"Random question"
"Yeah?"
"We've got a spare home entertainment system in the back of the van that we're trying to get rid of. Do you wanna buy it?"
"Um, no thanks dude"
"You sure?"
"Yep" wind up window

After much laughter with my companion we then continued on our way, making a stop at the stupormarket before heading out of town. When we were walking back to the car, we saw the same guy blocking traffic still trying to shift his hot wares.
When we got back to the carpark he was circling like a shark and caught my eye again. I was onto him this time and before he had a chance to speak told him he had already asked. "Well have you changed your mind? Jesus".
Laughing at this madness and walking away shaking my head, I think I then offended the lady with the plastic bag on her head trying not to let the rain ruin her hair. I promise, I wasn't laughing at you love.

Moonlight Cinema

2008-01-13T19:43:00.000+11:00

To the two women who set-up camp in front of us at Moonlight Cinema in their far-too-high chairs:

Thank-you for asking us if you were in the way.
Poo to you for then not doing anything about it when we replied in the affirmative.
Suck it for having to move when I dobbed you in to the attendant.

On a balmy Melbourne evening there is no better place to be than the Botanic Gardens, with fine wine, great company and choice cinema.

Truck You

2008-01-02T13:48:00.000+11:00

Note to all truckies out there on the streets of Melbourne.

If you are parked over the entire cycle lane, open your door without looking and knock a cyclist over, you then have no right to tell said cyclist that they should be riding in the correct lane. YOU are in the INCORRECT lane.

Also, Tony Martin had lunch at Globe today - just call me Perez.

Yeah well, this is my door...

2007-12-27T23:15:00.000+11:00

Who the fuck does the Cookie doorman/bitch* and he is a bitch tonight think he is?

Last Sunday when I was there, with a select few who managed to drop over a grand in an afternoon, the bar staff were checking that the drinks were OK because they were so hungover and feared missing their tip.
Yet tonight because some of my "party" and we were far from "party" didn't walk in with me were denied entry. When I went back downstairs to advise "they're with me", Cookies' rules, not mine, the door guy was being such an arse I took the party of 10 elsewhere.
This may sound like an arrogant wank of a rant, but Melbourne hospo know who pay their wages, and the staff certainly know where their tips come from. I was so embarrassed that guests from o.s. who were recommended Cookie got turned away with such an attitude. THIS IS NOT SYDNEY.

*This same fucker has let me take my dog in that bar, but apparently tonight, no poms.

Boxing Day Madness

2007-12-26T20:33:00.001+11:00

I was under the impression that people in Queensland were required to drive on the left hand side of the road, same as us down south. So I was a little taken aback when a 4wd with "Sunshine State" plates was coming at me up St Kilda road on the wrong side. He took on six lanes of traffic going in the opposite direction and then veered into the Barkly Street turnoff also facing in the wrong direction.
I silently blessed the public holiday and a very quiet road this morning, but I am not sure the same mistake would have been possible had it been a normal peak hour.

I also saw a woman steal a bottle of water from a 7-11 this afternoon and I didn't report her. When does none of my business cross the line to a moral obligation to become a dobber?

Pushy Krishnas

2007-12-24T15:30:00.001+11:00

I must say I was most put out today being accosted by a tout to eat at Gopals. His manner was quite aggressive which didn't scream Krishna Consciousness to me and he was dressed in civilian clothes.
Get the proper Krishnas on the pavement handing out pakoras if you want to market the place.

Sandy Train Inbound, Last Thursday

2007-12-23T21:10:00.000+11:00

In my carriage there was:

An Axl Rose lookalike who had even gone so far as having some of the same tattoos done. An amazing homage, well done you.
A boy chroming. Simply too sad for words.
The most well manicured mullet I have ever seen. If only you paid as much attention to the rest of your good self.

And why the fuck are Connex running Hitachis? I am going to have to write to MX if they don't pull their socks up.

The Gossip

2007-12-17T15:00:00.000+11:00

Beth Ditto is a goddess.

After the scorching temperatures at Meredith last year I was not willing to take the chance this year.
I am so very glad that I got to see The Gossip in action at The Prince last night instead. I applaud their efforts for driving back to Melbourne and putting on an arse-kicking/shaking show.
I also applaud the fashions on the field. A prize to the woman in the black mod-type outfit sporting the neck-scarf. Class.
A massive "fuck you" is awarded to the idiot who started a fight while everyone was trying to leave. It's very uncool to hit chicks when you are man.

Having to line-up to be let out to smoke in the Prince Bandroom is a definite sign that it's time to stop. So is the cancer and all I guess, but lining up! I mean really.

Sandy Train Outbound

2007-12-15T09:46:00.000+11:00

I feel I have to qualify which train.

I watched a guy share headphones with his friend on the way home last night. Whatever track it was was certainly rocking his world and the air guitar that ensued seemed such a private moment I felt like I was watching him masturbate.

The moment was lightened when they tried to get off the train still attached to the one pair of headphones. An awkward manoeuvre that they managed to pull off without disconnecting but it sure wasn't dainty.

Sandy Train

2007-12-12T21:26:00.001+11:00

All the way into town I pondered whether I should tell the woman standing in front of me that her cardigan was on inside-out. It was early, so I figured that she didn't have food on it and that she had worn it that way on purpose.
As we pulled into Flinders Street I almost said something. My mouth opened but nothing came out. I changed my mind. I don't know why.
I wondered all day if she was embarrassed when she got to work and someone she loathed pointed it out.