Cool Hand Cops

Trained men with firearms Versus 15 year old boy with knives.

You do the math...

Victoria Police hang your heads in shame.

How does this possibly happen?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I've walked past the same couple two nights in a row after work.
Both times they've been arguing. Well, he's been yelling at her and she's had the same defeated look on her face, with a touch of terror in her eyes. I am comfortable in making the assumption that this is a pattern.

Get out now girl.

If someone makes you frightened they're no good for you. You're better than that, no matter what he tells you.

Holy Smoke

You can smoke cones on the steps of St Paul's Cathedral in broad daylight.

6.27 in the pm to be exact.

God doesn't care and neither do The Filth apparently.

Rock on.

Melbourne Knievel

To the motorcyclist that mounted the pavement on the corner of Little Collins and Swanston Street tonight, and proceeded to coast down the pavement so he could do a right hand turn into Collins Street - what were you thinking?

That you'd get away with it?

Cause you did.

Well done you!

This kind of reckless behaviour on the streets of our fair city would normally make my blood boil, but I was left impressed by this guys sheer gumption.

Don't do again but, OK? Someone might get hurt.

All I Want for Christmas

Dear John So,

Christmas is in December and is to do with Jesus. I'm not too fussed about the Jesus part but can you please not close down the CBD in mid-November to start celebrating this festival of consumerism?

You could at least do the decent thing and wait til December 1st.

While you're at it, for Christmas I would like Swanston Street to be closed to everything but trams and pushbikes. If you sort this, I'll forgive you about the November bit OK?

Yours In Anticipation
Melbourne Eyes

Tonight We're Gonna Party Like...

Only in Melbourne could you walk into a launch party where there is a naked male stripper "dancing" on a table, a midget in a cowboy hat on the bar, AND the drinks are free.

I love this town.

Takes One To Know One

From my vantage point in the park yesterday I could see people in the drug rehab centre having a group therapy session. They were laughing, they looked happy, even though they seemed a little wrung out.
It was sunny in their room and it gave off the feeling of safety.

Perhaps therapy should be called something else and then maybe more people would do it. Before things got so bad they needed to do it in sunny rooms in rehab centres. Safety in numbers I guess.

Holy Connex Batman

Riddle me this ticket inspectors?

Why do you fine children wearing school uniforms at Flinders Street station yet let adults get away without buying tickets? Clearly they are studying, hence the uniform. Forgetful maybe, breaking the law by not having their concession card? I think not.

The man I saw jump the barrier this week right in front of you was not pursued.

The pack of women passing one ticket back and forth to let 4 of them through did not seem to warrant your attention.

Pick on someone your own size and punish those that deserve it.

Fringe Dweller

Windy days in Melbourne: My haircut's worst enemy.

Go For Your Life

I think any city-type marathon, a-la today's Melbourne Marathon needs to be over by 9am. Blocking Melbourne's roads for the better part of the day making driving around the city a nightmare is not in the community spirit. Sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on a Sunday is not my idea of a day off.

If you want to run a ludicrous amount of kilometres for no other reason than to say you have done it, then you must be the kind of lunatic that won't mind getting up at stupid o'clock to get your achievement out of the way before the rest of us want to use the city.

Wise Words

A fairly sketchy looking, junky-type guy gave me his 2 hour ticket at Richmond station last Thursday night, so that I wouldn't have to buy one. I offered him $2 but he refused, smiled and simply said "This is how this town should be".

He's right.

Had he asked me for $2 in any other situation I would have said no, assuming it was to buy to drugs. This cynical and judgemental attitude shames me, I often forget how lucky I am and that those less fortunate did not ask to be there.

Thank-you fella for being generous and making me take stock. And for the train ticket of course.

Road Rage

On Church Street last Friday, I witnessed, in my rear-view mirror, a cyclist smash the side mirror of a motorist stopped at a red light. This woman took the thing to pieces. The motorist beeped his horn and she gave him the finger and kept going.
When the light changed and the traffic took off the motorist caught up to the cyclist and tried to run her over.

Melbournians - when did we turn into people like this?

Pilgrim-tastic

Not sure if you pilgrims know, but the pope is actually in Sydney. You've come about 800kms too far.

Also, what is with you guys and acoustic guitars? Please stop singing in our streets, we like to drink our coffee in peace. Peace and QUIET that is, not your peace-be-with-you kind of peace.

Star Spotting

In the last twenty-four hours, just going about my business, I have seen* -
Doc Neeson from the The Angels, Mark Trevorrow aka Bob Downe and Ray from the Hard Ons -
just going about theirs.

*In order of appearance, not celeb status.

Gutless Wonder

I left work late tonight and was walking down beside Balaclava station when some prick scared the shit out of me. I couldn't see him because the coward was hiding, somewhere in the dark, saying nasty things to me in an even nastier voice.
I ran home. I even called the cops.

I feel like a fool and I hate this stranger for doing that to me. I feel scared too now I think, but I'm not ready to go to that part of my brain.

Be careful out there.

Absolutely A Bullshit Artist

This morning I got stuck watching Video Hits because I was too hungover to reach the remote from my prone position on the couch. Vanessa Amorosi was being interviewed beside a horse - as you do. She was being asked about her tattoos and was rabbiting on about "the spiritual 10 commandments" or some such bullocks - I couldn't concentrate on her drivel AND trying to telepathically get a Huey Lewis video on next. What did pique my curiosity and then my outrage was when she said that her tattoos were done by some spiritualist shaman-type person in the States. They were NOT, my mate Macca did them out at Way Cool in Dandenong.

Vanessa Amorosi is a liar - there, I've said it.

I'm back

It's been a long time between drinks dear non-readers, but I've got new means and nothing's gonna stop me now - giddy up!

To the gorgeous soul that has glued those giant letters on the side of the train line at Flinders Street I thank you. If you're coming in from Richmond, just before you enter the station, look to your right. I'm gutted one of the letters fell off before I took my camera to work.
Are you the same person that made the leaping figure out of milk crates on the other side?

Chivalry Is Alive & Kicking

Yes ladies, chivalry does exist in Melbourne. Albeit not an from an Aussie but I'll take what I can get.

Thanks to the lovely Brit who helped me put my big bike in my tiny car yesterday.

Sometimes fellas 5 foot tall (short) woman need help in lifting heavy things. We won't think your being macho, we'll be glad of the assistance.

Container-dropper

A couple of things overheard recently whilst waiting to be served at Section 8 (different days mind you):

"Yeah there's this place called Cherry Bar, it's kind of, you know, a "drug" bar but on Thursdays they play soul".
Well Bill, that's what the kids think of your joint these days.

"And now she thinks she's a lesbian" rolls eyes.
With friends like her, I'd be keeping it all to myself.

You Dropped Your Manners

To the guy who was given his wallet back by a lovely, out-of-breath young lady who had run a fair amount of Collins Street to complete her good deed for the day, it would have been manners to GET OFF YOUR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE AND SAY A PROPER THANK-YOU.

I hope you took the cash out first girl.

Random Question...

Last weekend whilst exiting the BP on Carlisle Street, a guy in van coming into the servo stopped me, and it went like this...

"Random question"
"Yeah?"
"We've got a spare home entertainment system in the back of the van that we're trying to get rid of. Do you wanna buy it?"
"Um, no thanks dude"
"You sure?"
"Yep" wind up window

After much laughter with my companion we then continued on our way, making a stop at the stupormarket before heading out of town. When we were walking back to the car, we saw the same guy blocking traffic still trying to shift his hot wares.
When we got back to the carpark he was circling like a shark and caught my eye again. I was onto him this time and before he had a chance to speak told him he had already asked. "Well have you changed your mind? Jesus".
Laughing at this madness and walking away shaking my head, I think I then offended the lady with the plastic bag on her head trying not to let the rain ruin her hair. I promise, I wasn't laughing at you love.

Moonlight Cinema

To the two women who set-up camp in front of us at Moonlight Cinema in their far-too-high chairs:

• Thank-you for asking us if you were in the way.
• Poo to you for then not doing anything about it when we replied in the affirmative.
• Suck it for having to move when I dobbed you in to the attendant.

On a balmy Melbourne evening there is no better place to be than the Botanic Gardens, with fine wine, great company and choice cinema.

Truck You

Note to all truckies out there on the streets of Melbourne.

If you are parked over the entire cycle lane, open your door without looking and knock a cyclist over, you then have no right to tell said cyclist that they should be riding in the correct lane. YOU are in the INCORRECT lane.

Also, Tony Martin had lunch at Globe today - just call me Perez.